Well, I put on my suit and went back to work in the city and had a terrible relapse using both heroin and amphetamines every day for two weeks. I think I was really manic when I decided I didn't need treatment and could go back to work with God's protection. I had a really bad amphetamine crash, pretty much a total breakdown - but from there I somehow found the strength to get myself on the plane. I have compulsions that I even took a fix to have in the toilets at the airport before I got on the plane...

what's with this 'one last time' compulsion I seem to be always battling? when I decide to quit I always think I have to have one last binge.

I'm back home now, not working, quit my job for good. I've been clean again for a weak. I reconnected with the A&D clinic. They have recommended I go into long term inpatient rehab. I'm willing to try this. It's a shame I have to wait a while for an assessment though and then probably wait again for space to become available.

The whole cycle of what happens has probably helped confirm for me that I need to investigate the rapid cycling BP dx further and maybe try medication again.

Feel like a bit of a failure but at least I still have my life. It was really touch and go there at some points while I was back in the city. I started convulsing after one speedball. My friend brought me round and watched over me for the night.