Hey, smmath, I'd say talking with your therapist would be a good choice at this point for a couple of reasons, if I'm hearing you right. Since self-injury is your primary issue, I'm thinking this is not necessarily a fantasy for you--"in the past I have wanted to be raped." Also, your sexual experience at 14 may be limited to anything from none to sexual abuse only to a mixed assortment of normal & abnormal sex. It would be helpful, I think, if you could sort out what is what.

I may not be saying this too well ... I hope you can see what I'm trying to say. It just seems from what you've said that you'may be in a difficult and confusing point in your life. If you are seeing a therapist or have access to one, talking this out with someone objective could be helpful.

Roadrunner