I had this internal conversation going on in my head, it kept asking T if she would be heartbroken if I left and then the reply "you went there for someone to help you not to become all involved in their life".

so today I actually told T this, always felt to scared to say this and she sat quite for a while and said, I think this is about who you are here for, to invoke feelings in me or to talk about you?" then she added " you have to remember your life was about keeping your mother happy, working out her moods, everything you did was done with her in mind formost" as she said that I felt this huge Resistance in my head and told her this and she noodded yes.

I said I can see what you are saying now, but the thought of not trying to invoke feelings in you and just accept I am here for me feels wrong, makes me feel like I'd be lost and lonely. T said yes thats how it was for you as a child and its familiar to you.

As we sat quietly again I felt as someone was tearing my brain apart, I could hear the ripping away of the old understanding and felt if I stayed iwth this thought I would scream! all those yrs of being robbed of myself! But I am so glad I spoke the words to T instead of walking around with them with no solution or understanding.

T then asked what I was thinking about and I said I can see other areas in my life where I do that, forget myself and try and invoke feelings in someone else afraid if I didnt I'd be abandoned, but can't be abandoned now and I am fed up with rolling over and submitting!

But yeah, who are we in therapy for? have to smile to myself now. I did say but hang on, if I take back all those feelings about your being heartbroken etc what is left here now? coz it feels like there'd be nothign left? T said yes like with your mother again, if you didnt put her first there was no relationship but what we have left is the talking about things and trying to understand them together. I was like, Oh yeah!