Hi my name's Ryan & I'm a 17 year old currently at college studying Maths, Further Maths and Travel & Tourism.

I just wanted to come on here so I can let it all out & say how I really feel. My feelings of depression have started since the summer of 2010 when my dad (who divorced from my mum in 2011) never wanted to see me ever again simply because I wanted to go to a different college. In the end though he finally wanted to see me after a few months and we now see each other regularly.

However this isn't the problem. It's all started again since last Friday to be precise. There are a whole number of reasons for why this has started to occur and so I will explain further. One of my first reasons is because of the way my dad & stepmum talk to me, I describe myself as being skinny, yet my dad absolutely hates the fact I look the way I am, constantly making digs at me and just because my step brother & step sister aren't skinny I feel as though he loves them more than me simply because of the way I am. There's been times when he's embarrassed me simply because I haven't eaten as fast as everyone else and - as a very sensitive person - this has often brought me to tears by myself feeling worthless and unloved. As well as this they constantly make digs at me because apparently I don't talk enough, it's like they don't realise i'm not the most confident of people although I always try and make a conversation with everyone.

Also my current exam stress really isn't helping because today I had my maths mechanics a level & I felt as though it was terrible. It makes me feel stupid and worthless knowing that my friends are able to make it look easy whilst I struggle on, even with help. My depression has lead me to feeling absolutely awful at school, I feel extremely paranoid and as though all of my mates are stabbing me in the back being kind to me and then once I've gone they start talking about me behind my back. Friday was probably the worst day of my life, I got tripped up, really hurt my knee & hip and all I could hear was everyone laughing and starting to throw balls at me or people that were helping me - this from people I thought were my friends. By then I literally burst down in tears during my next lesson and felt as though I couldn't continue.

The symptoms are of depression are making me feel horrible & I've already told some of my best mates but sometimes it's not enough. I've been feeling:
- Worthless, as though no-one really likes me or loves me!
- An emotional wreck, most days for no reason whatsoever I just burst into tears and can't stop myself from doing so!
- I often feel really really low, as though there's no light and the end of my "life" tunnel - even though I have some amazing friends I feel as though I'm not worthy of living on the same world as them!
- Paranoia, as explained before!
- Loss Of Appetite, don't feel like eating most of the days even though I know I need to and want to!

I've started to talk to my friends about how I really feel - as I often put a shield on how I really felt at college - & have just made an appointment with my doctor to talk about it and know how I can feel better.

Thank you for taking the time to read this I just want to feel normal & happy like I used to again!