This one is hard for me to talk about, though I've had this issue for a long time. I've always been romantically drawn to unavailable men - for a combination of reasons, including having grown up with an emotionally absent father and a mother who was obsessed with grooming me for social success by way of men. She encouraged the idea that only established, high-status guys (whatever that means) were worth my time. Relationships were all about ambition for her. I rejected that mostly, but something about the older-established-guy thing really sunk in.

Of course this never actually worked in real life, because men who are established also tend to be married.

Anyway, at 38 I fell in love with and married a guy who was right for me in every possible way. He was also younger than me, so he didn't trigger the hopeless hero-worship thing that I had been enmeshed in for years. Instead of longing for an unavailable guy or celebrity, I was in love in a real way. It was a brighter, freer place than I'd been in, in a long time. I think I also assumed that I was now safe - as a secure married person I would no longer be tossed by the waves of random encounters that were intensely involving for me emotionally, but never went anywhere. I felt good!

A few months ago I met a guy - a musician (let's call him Moss) whose whose performances I've seen and whose work and art I admire - and really flipped for him. I met him through work (our organization sponsors a festival he does here) and our relationship was professional at first. We laughed a lot and he seemed flirtatious. We chatted after his shows, and had one lunch together.

A few days before he left town, we talked about our attraction for each other. He said he was married and had two teenage daughters. He said things had been great before the kids, but the passion had fizzled out over time. He said he liked me and had thought about the possibility of having an affair. He was reluctant because of the risks. He asked about me, and seemed surprised when I told him I was married too. We sat there discussing it, and I realized that he was really worried about losing his daughters. I was upset that he seemed to feel I might be a threat to his family, when we hadn't even touched or started anything yet!

It was a wake-up call I needed. It hurt that he was kicking me to the curb, but I knew he was right and we needed to leave it alone. We got out of the car and he gave me a big tight hug and a kiss, and a few days later he left town, and I figured that was goodbye.

But he started emailing me. A lot. A lot. Over months. So it seemed he wanted to keep the door open. And I found myself becoming just - totally - OBSESSED with this guy. I'm panicked and angry and disoriented about all of this. I've had thoughts of - if only he had dropped it before, I wouldn't be in the position I'm in right now! But I know that I also bear responsibility for not shutting it down when I should have.

What's killing me right now - he's coming back to town in a few days, but he hasn't sent me any messages for three weeks. I'm starting to think that he's had second thoughts, and doesn't want to see me again.

Since he went quiet, my emotional life has just completely cratered. My insides have just TOTALLY COLLAPSED. I've been crying constantly (which I never do) and unable to think of anything but this situation. I feel it's the worst possible thing he could have done to me, to just cut me off without a word.

If he came to me and said, look, it's not going to work, I would accept that. I just don't see why it has to be either/or. He's a delightful person, and I would like to be in touch. We don't HAVE to have an affair. In fact, I'd rather not! But I have these ridiculously intense feelings for him. He's opened up something inside me that I thought died a long time ago. I can't explain it.

I can't believe he's just cutting me off. You don't do that to people! I suppose it's still possible that he's planning to get in touch when he comes here. So if he does - I need to get my script together. I'm just very very worried.

I know I also need to look at my marriage and find out if there's anything left. I've become completely apathetic about it, and about the one man I've ever known who honestly and deeply loves me. How can I throw it away? Yet I'm contemplating it.

I've been in a total blind panic around this - intense humiliation, anger, sadness at his rejection, just everything in the book. I don't know how to make the emotions just STOP. It's so absolutely frickin' horrible to walk around this way, I can' stand it.

I want to see a therapist. I had an appointment with a new one the other day, but he had some really weird quirks and I didn't feel comfortable. I know I need to talk to someone qualified, and I'm still looking. But I'm just completely panicked right now. I'm turning to you guys for a slap upside the head, because I know that I need that now! And a hug!

Thanks for your input on this, I could really use it right now.