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yang0868 · 04:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sannah

I really hope that you address all of this stuff that is between you two.

Sannah, thank you for thinking of me.

I can't believe how bad this feeling of mistrust is affecting me. I had to leave work again yesterday due to another migraine.

My hands have been shaking uncontrollably which is really bad because I have to hold sharp objects in my hand at work.

Do you know that feeling of being let down by someone you've come to trust and care about? I didn't think T or her receptionists' actions could affect me this bad. It just hurts so much more because it was only last week when I told her how I genuinely feel about her. She was so accepting of my attachment to her and it seemed like she even encouraged it. I feel stupid in that I had to go and ruin our connection by seeking out the truth behind the reasoning as to why my appointment on Feb 8th needed to be cancelled. I'm just the type of person where I have to seek out answers for everything or solve problems. I have that detective kind of mind. Now I think about it, I should have just let it go and not look so deep into it. No wonder there is that saying that curiosity killed the cat.

So now I'm thinking I should just let it go but my heart tells me I need to let T know that she and her receptionists have hurt me. I feel like I just need to be heard but I'm afraid that it will break us apart. What kills me is that T doesn't even know that I'm hurt by all this. I'm not saying she can read minds. It just feels like I wasn't heard when I told her about the whole ordeal just trying to get an appointment to see her during the second week of February. Who knew it would be this hard just to get an appointment? I'm fed up with their services. I want to tell T that I don't deserve to be treated this way. I've yet to miss an appointment. I'm always super early for my appointments. I pay my fees on time. I don't show up there b*tching at people or being grumpy. I'm just there to heal from the pain and trauma that was inflicted upon me. It wasn’t like I chose to have this trauma inflicted upon me. Do they think I really want to be there? I wished that I didn't need to be dealing with all this PTSD crap. If I had a genie that could grant me a wish, it would definitely be I wished I never had to endure the pain, suffering, and trauma I went through and witnessed. It has screwed me up completely. The feeling of having my safety shattered is one of the scariest feelings ever. The world just doesn’t look the same anymore. No matter how much I long to forget the trauma which I know is impossible, I am willing to learn how to cope with my trauma symptoms to make my life more livable and enjoyable.

I’m so hurt in that I believe I’ve found the person I want to help me do the healing work I need to but the environment is hostile.

I don’t know what to do to build the courage to bring this up with T. I’m just in complete turmoil at the moment. Am I just trying to make a small matter a big one? IDK.