So I did it. I didn't run away...I sat all the way at the edgeof the couch literally RIGHT next to the door. Lol. His demeanor was a lot more serious (I guess that's a given since the email) and I saw he printed it up...it was 3 pages!!!! I told him sorry for being so long & that I've been editing it all week....

He jumped right in on stuff that had to do w/ him. He said my dream w/ him in it (I fell & crying & he was rubbing my back telling me it'll be ok) he said I'm experiencing transference & that's perfectly normal & ok. He said I might have erotic dreams regardless of sex of the therapist & that's normal & ok too.

I was pretty embarrased so I was quiet and just nodded. He said its normal cause I didn't experience love & nuturing as a Child & I want that out of him.

In letter I said I still don't feel he really CARES. He said that's bugging him & he does, but he said in a professional way. That kinda hurt. I don't know how I want him to care but I want him to go above & beyond for me. :/

He was suprised @ the email, said he had no idea all this stuff happened & I always come in so giggly n laughing. He couldn't believe I've never told anyone ever about these things

We got into a little about my father & some of the abuse.

Then towards the end he told me some stories how he went a visited 1 pt that attempted suicide in hospital but he quickly emphasized that was the ONlY time he's ever done it and he's gone to some graduations, but won't go to the party. Idk...what I even am asking from him. If I were in hospital I want him to come visit me...I want him to say he deeply cares..really or that he loves me (not in love) like I hear other people's T's doing. Or like that. Ook I'm reading, loves executioner...that therapist visits clients houses! I wouldn't mind that. I guess I'm being unreasonable. He was trying to explain boundary but still caring but all I could think about was but... But... I kept my mouth shut I didn't wanna make him feel uncomfortable or like a stalker.
He said I can email him after hours or wknds, but he's usually out of town so he doesn't know when he can get back to me, and that t's need their space too which I guess is fair.
He said re: boundries that I don't need another boyfriend and I don't need another father. I was like ok...wth does THAT mean!

All in all it was. Good session. Went better than I anticipated. Though my mind is racing about the session now, feel a lil weird...I'm trying to clean & keep busy I hope I feel better later