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Jan 28, 2012, 01:12 AM
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Member Since: Jan 2012
Location: Washington State
Posts: 69
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I'm so stressed tonight, and I hope I can make sense here.
I definitely struggle with the concept of 'getting better'. It is a scary place in my mind still. I am trying to figure life out. I've never been able to find me. Who am I? What do I really want in my life emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, and materially? What brings me joy, happiness, satisfaction, inspiration? I just don't know.
And, I have spent a lifetime criticizing the world & people that I have developed a serious resentment for what people call 'normal'. I am to the point, I don't like it. I don't want to be part of it.
Sadly, all I have known in life so far is that 'family' is not safe or about love; I am an object for men to abuse mentally, physically, and sexually; abandonment is expected; power trip people are dangerous; and people who see weakness in me take advantage of it and are dangerous as well.
I see the world and people being so much different: caring, helpful, responsible, respectful, civil, honest, truth-seeking, hard-working etc. But, I can't find it. Not yet anyway. So, until I see it in the world, I want to stay in my world with my belief system. I am not willing to change because I do not see that change would be good.
Ugh. This is mentally exhausting for me actually. I still have so much to think about on it, but it is good for me to start processing these thoughts.
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