Part of me knows there is a healthier way to live; I've seen glimpses of it many, many times before - when I wake up early to practice Yoga, when I take the time to meditate, when I dedicate energy to learning DBT. When I throw myself into all of this and more, I am evened out, I don't act on my compulsions as often, I'm less of an emotional whirlwind, I'm so much more peaceful inside my mind. I want to be better, do better, live better ... but I'm terrified to just DO IT regularly.

Being in that healthy space is a terribly uncomfortable place to be for me, actually. I think I'm terrified of what life without my personality disorder traits would be (empty, I fear) ... I mean, I am REALLY terrified of what my life would be, of who I would be, without these traits that are so me yet so unhealthy, so I revert to old habits, feel and act and be in ways that contribute to that comfortable state of inner turmoil and 'badness'. On some weird level, I also worry that if I start to really truly cope in healthy ways, my friends who struggle (you, possibly) would feel left behind (that's probably silly and irrational, I know), so I'm scared to be here on PC feeling so close to so many of you in this intangible way, but yet I dread the idea of not being here.

So much of my adult life has been spent swinging back and forth on this pendulum, between mental/emotional sickness and health, sickness and health, sickness and health. I am standing on the edge of this metaphorical cliff, terrified to jump into recovery (for lack of a better term), and as I stand here teetering, I am grabbing for dear life onto all of my worst compulsions, fears, addictions ... but I am so damn close to jumping. But so scared to just do it.

Anyone else ever feel this way?