I go back and forward all the time lately. When I say I want to do good I mean it and I make a conscience effort to be good. It feels so fake though, like this annoying little brown nosing brat that you just want to punch, and you probably would if this type of person was in front of you. Being "bad" just feels so normal. It's like if you just succumb to the bad guy then there is no accountability and you are left to just be. Which turns back into the not feeling like you have a purpose on this earth. A circle of chaos and not feeling really comfortable on either spectrum.