Hi wintergirl,

This is tricky because I think that neither of those scenarios is really your best option.

First, I definitely get this. I won't go into a whole long story but there was a time where my husband and I were on the brink of collapse, while at the same time I had these deep feelings of attachment to my T.

The thing is... if your marriage is in trouble, make it about your marriage. Your T can't really take the place of a spouse, not even partially. What if your T suddenly has to move, for family reasons? If that was your spouse, you'd move with him, but you're not going to uproot your own family to follow your T. It's still a caregiver/client relationship. I'm not sure whether this is what you're saying, so please disregard it if I'm incorrect... but you can't hang onto a bad marriage thinking that T will make it ok by filling in the blanks. You'll continue to be unhappy. Also, your T isn't going to fill in the blanks in terms of being a father (whose role should partly be to model for your kids how to be a good partner), because only you see T. You have to face the marriage issues head-on, and decide what you want to do regardless of whether T is in the picture.

THAT SAID. I don't think you should leave your T. I understand -- I REALLY do -- how it might feel like your attachment to T is compromising your ability to patch things up with your husband. If you were having an affair, this would be the case, but it's not quite the same with a T. Tell your T about this concern. He's there to help you (while a lover would not be), and can work WITH you to make therapy an environment where you simultaneously feel as ok as possible with the feelings you have, while also focusing on your marriage.

When things do become difficult, it's good to have a T you trust there. Whenever things blew up, T was there for me, and supported my determination to fix things with my husband, but also helped me draw clear lines as to what I would tolerate from my husband and what would mean that I leave him. He helped me focus, and that was only possible because we talked a lot about my husband, a lot about us, and a lot about the guilt I felt that I had all these fantasies about T picking up where my H left off. You do need your T, and if you can tolerate the feelings, this can be very rewarding.

But he's your T -- he can help you realize what you want from a healthy and loving relationship (as rosie and dirtandearth said), but he can't be an escape from reality.

Good luck. I know this can be really hard to tolerate at times. PM anytime.