Hey wass up peeps.
been searching forumson anxiety and depression all day.. dont got nothing else to do :/ thought i would post and see if i can get some imput on my situation. if anyone else has thiese type of problems.

Well i just got outa jail about 2 mounths ago now. and was placed on 3 yrs. supervised probation. sence ive been home ive hardly left the house. my problem is i got nothin to do. i dont want to call my friends because i feel i have forgoten how to hang out. i fear i wouldent know what to say. and if i did i would be repeditive and un intresting. in the past after about 4 mounths of being a loser they called and we started hanging out again. at first i was real quit. when i would speak i would talk real low and they would often ask me what i said. but after a while i was fine. fuk i know i sound stupid. i dont relly know what im so affraid of .
anyway my probation reqiers me to get a job. well. wich has proven to be allmost impossible. i was looking online for jobs. and read there is a store close by my house that is hireing for a custodian. "perfect" well when i decided i was goin to go apply i got crazzily nervous. my hart was racing and i started sweating bad. and pacing. i finally got up the curage to go and apply. i get there and its a girl around my age. wich makes my anxiety worse. i fear looking like a fool. or them seeing that im scared. i sweat and my hands shake. i ask for a app. my heart is racing . i try and play it cool. she get the app and asks if im goin to fill it out here? yes. she says i will need to take the test. what test mathmatics? math english and science she says. science? ya...no its a personality test. oh.. it was a joke. i manage to laugh. i try to fill out the application but i dont have any refrences. i cant concentrate. my mind starts racing theres no way i can do this. im to scared to be asked anymore questions by this person.i make sure to hand in the clip board and test back to the older lady and tell here i will be back. i take the long way out of the store for fear of the girl seeing me leave. what the f**ck is wrong with me. i faild. i feel defeated.
anyway my cousin said he would get me a job mowing lawns. which falls threw. im sure he was lieing to me the whole time.
man all i do is sit at home allday. im cant get high anymore. im to scared to call my friends. man i relly dont think anyone watches more tv then me. its not possible. i fantasize about suicide. i know i cant put my mom threw that again. i get scared and hide when my little brother has friends over. i would talk to them when i first got out of jail. but everytime they come over i am here sitting in my room.i hate being a loser. ive been like this for over 2 yrs now. its at the point where i think im goin crazy. if it wasent for my mom who is allso extreemly depressed i would have absolutly no one to talk to.
anyway i go down to burgar king and fill out a app. with only slight anxiety. i come back the next day and talk to the manager. i go to a interview the next day and everything is good. im sweating but he dosent notice. i get the job. he says he will start me out as a cook tomorrow. i start to have anxiety. i cant sleep all night i try everything. from meditation to calming music with calming tea. i still cant sleep. i decide to take some cough med to help me sleep. i get 1 hr sleep and wake up. i cant get back to sleep. i feel sick . and anxiety is on the edge of full blown panick attack wich i havent had in over a year. so i tell my mom im not goin. and explain whats wrong. she still dont fully understand my anxiety. some of it is relly stupid and she thinks im just making excuses. she is absolutly dissapointed. my boss calls and says if im serius about this job to call tomorrow. i sleep good that night i wake up early but im not going to call. i will look like a fool. what will i say. why i dident show up to work because i was scared?..terrified.. i act like i call burgar king in front of my mother. i tell her he said he was busy and would call be back. so now im back in my room with nothing to do.

i dont know what to tell my parol officer. she can send me back to jail for 1 yr. if i dont get a job soon. i am on no med. right now. i got some of my celexa left over but they drug test for all medication. i feel i need to see the doc b4 i get a job. but i cant afford 30$ to see him.
so.....what am i to do?
what do i tell my parol officer?
do i start taking my celexa and explain i dont have a current prescription when i get drug tested?
do i man up and try for a job again?despite my fear i go and i tryed i gave it my all. im even more scared of starting a new job after my panick attack yesterday.

p.s. thanx ahead of time if you actully read this.