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As recently as 3 days ago, I was doing at least fairly okay. I saw on the thread about things we do right that I cooked myself a good breakfast. That wouldn't have happened if I was down in the dumps.
I am way far down in the dumps today and have been since yesterday.
What this web site helps me to see, by holding my thoughts, is that I get way down and then eventually get over it. Then, eventually, I get way down again. It's amazing over how short a time, I can go from one extreme to the other.
I guess that's why family members got sick of hearing about it a very long time ago.
Figuring that I will eventually "get over it" helps a little, but - in another way - it doesn't help. I know that "getting over it" just gets me in position for the next tailspin. Tailspins are very bad emotional downturns that I experience.
An issue at the moment is me going back into a work environment. I got hurt real bad by a series of employment failures. I don't think it would be going too far to say that, after the last one, coming on the heels of others, I have been "traumatized." This was suggested to me by a good person I met at the Unemployment Office.
I went into the hospital for severe depression and anxiety a week ago. It was awful. I lied to get out and told them I would be fine at home. I am better off at home. No one, except the admitting doctor, talked to me about anything. They just want to try one new med after another.
I don't think all the meds in the world are going to make me brave about going to work at a new job. I don't know where I can get any kind of help other than meds. I don't even think yacking with a T about how horrible it is to lose a series of jobs is going to make any difference either. ("Well, you can discuss stategies about how to gird up your loins for going back into the fray, and yadda yadda yadda.")
I am safe in my apartment now and I don't have to go anywhere scary today and so I am not too terrible off at this exact moment. If I think about the upcoming job assignment, then I get to thinking that, if I don't manage to get through it, then I will not want to live.
Sounds pretty melodramatic. The "talispin" however, is very real and I am very much feeling like someone cornered at the edge of a cliff.
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