Niko, you are not a "debbie downer" (I get a kick out of that skit) you are doing what you and the rest of us need, talk it out,vent, etc. I agree about the Pdoc's spending just a few minutes, the more minutes the more money, for 15-20 minutes I pay 140 dollars, our new insurance plan is paying a portion, but it is high, heck 140.00 for a few minutes? Adds up to a lot of money earned per 8 hours. Then the rest of the monies earned at the hospital when he is called in there.
I know you can't see it now but don't give up, it's the depression demon, it tries to steal you away, but don't let it. 6 yrs ago I was at the exiting point (suicidal thoughts with a .357 in hand),I put it down,left the house, and called my former T, he called pdoc and they had me sign myself in for a 10 day stay, started me on meds and observed how I did with them before discharge. It took me a few years to lose the resentment I held towards my husband, who's cheating triggered (no pun intended) the whole thing,before his cheating,I was doing great,going to college part time, in my early 40's and raising a kid (he's the main thing that kept me wanting to live)but I guess I just forced myself to hang on, cause all things must pass/change. Since that time, meds and therapy has saved me, they have made certain changes with meds, but since my change to Lamictal things are alright.
I was your age, about 20 years ago, don't let depression make you think you will always feel this way.
Hook up with a good pdoc and or a behavioural health department at a local hospital, something to help fight off this, and work with some treatment plan, it helps to.
Take care and vent any time,
Roe