I always start doing better with handling my eating disorder, until I enter a relationship. I'm not too sure on the correlation. Maybe it's attention related, I don't know. I thought that, maybe, it was because my relationships used to be horrible. Just sex, lustful and degrading conversations, being cheated on, constant arguing and an endless cycle of lies. However, now I am in one of the best relationships ever, and I mean EVER. I can not believe a guy that's so nice would ever want a girl like me. I don't even deserve him, when I'm with him I feel beautiful and actually HAPPY.

Or... I used to.

I saw him yesterday. I think the buzz of the relationship is wearing off. I'm feeling fat. So disgusting. I'm already starting to lose weight. I sat with him in his car yesterday. I was upset. If I wasn't in front of him, a human being, I would've. I felt disgusting, ugly, hideous, and my mind started digging its own deep, dark ditch. I couldn't resist listening to the voice. I haven't even paid attention to it much for around 5 months. I thought I was better. What's even worse is he KNEW something was wrong, but due to being yelled at for trying to confide in my significant others in the past, I just can't bring myself to do it.

I don't know what it is about relationships that always make me start doing this to myself again..