I don't know why I am apologizing.

I really don't know how to start this off.

So, well, I remember when I was younger, and the social worker, mom told me to keep quiet about the spankings. The social worker was there for a different kind of abuse.

There was another man who did...things to me. It wasn't that bad, but it still screw me up. I sometimes have nightmares of that man chasing me, and I was so afraid he was going to do worse. Like how mom told me about his twisted dream about having sex with me.

I don't really remember getting spankings. I was the kind of kid who stayed out of others way. There was a lot of yelling and screaming though. Mostly by mom.

As of now I feel sort of dizzy, but I need to write this. I'll probably regret it later.

There was some times where she called us stupid, threatened to leave [one I remember was her telling dad that she only married him for the money] a lot of times, and I'm pretty sure she either called us a crybaby whenever one of us started to cry while she was belittling us.

The only times I remember her beating me was when I was supposed to clean my room but my legs were cramping up and I knew she was going to be mad at me so I hid underneath a table. I can't really remember what happened, memory's a bit fuzzy. The other time was when we kids were watching a movie. It turns out that while we were watching a movie she was outside waiting for someone to unlock it. When we finally realize this, she was furious. Again, I cannot fully remember what happened but we did got the police called on us. The door was opened and a neighbor saw.

I was so afraid of her yelling at me.

I wonder if all that has had happened to me shaped me. I have a hard time asking for help and if something went wrong, I used to think that it was all my fault. I still do sometimes. Why I rarely feel anything, and feeling disconnected. (anger is dangerous because you weren't allowed to get angry because you were angry for a stupid reason and they were right and you're wrong. Same with getting upset or hurt)

I still have a hard time classifying this as abuse. To me, it was the norm. I keep thinking that maybe I'm being too sensitive. Gah.

Well, I don't know what I was trying to accomplish, but here it goes.

This is all I can type anyways. Sorry if it jumps around too much.