Thank you for this thread. I do feel this way. I think a big part of going back to the unhealthy coping skills is that its what we are use to. Kind of like a security blanket. The healthy way is so foreign that its scary. And humans like comfort and what they are use to, change of any kind is hard.

I have gotten a bit better. I don't think I'm entirely healthy by any means. However, I have been having some "revelations" lately that are both enlightening and scary as hell all at the same time. I am lucky enough to be in a stable relationship, where my SO is understanding and supports me. I also feel like I'm on that ledge where I need to decide if I'm going to "jump" into the healthy or stay where I am. And its scary.

One thing that I try to remember is: I've been like this for 32 years, I'm not going to change overnight. I need to be gentle with myself and go slowly. But I'm kind of impatient and just want to be better NOW. Although, I know that's not possible.