I hope we can help you, HelloAnxiety. My current spouse has been with me since I met him in 1995. I have bpd. I will share things I think help him stay with me (other than love, things in common, etc). First, he is what is called a "caregiver" or "helper" personality type. He is very patient. He believes in and values commitment. He sees glimmers of hope and triumph for my condition and celebrates that, EVEN THOUGH there are way more negative incidents and behaviors than positive ones--that in itself shows a tremendous amount of patience.When I gripe at him for some bizarre unreasonable thing, he doesn't back down and tuck his tail even though that would be easier. Here is what we do often: when we need top discuss a sensitive issue (money or sex, etc) we initiate discussion by email. We also use email for diatribes and manifestos, for new beginnings, and for little things that have been annoying us about the other lately. We promise not to respond to the email until we have thought it over (even in the backs of our minds counts) and can sit to answer the email calmly and rationally.

The reasons email helps: I don't know if this is a bpd thing, but I have to begin every important conversation (whether to get a new car) with a preface. The preface can go on and on and could trigger anger before I even get to the point I really wanted to make. So writing gives me my preface time while he can skim over it, knowing this will not be my main point. Writing also helps people by encouraging a person to experiment with multiple patterns of thinking as one decides how to organize the info. Wow. It just occurred to me that that COULD BE a significant scientific breakthrough in new ways to help people retrain the ways their brain is wired. Wow. I'm impressed. And finally, with email, no one gets to interrupt the other!!! This is SO important for communication, as you probably know.

Once we receive one of these emails--the subject should clearly indicate personal or don't read at your office, or something of that sort so the other partner is not ambushed. Then we decide 1-the most important part to me-the reader of this email and 2-what is the other partner-the writer of the email-trying to tell me? We cut through a LOT of arguing and insulting each other that way. We eventually, after pinpointing the crucial issues and anything we feel we cannot ignore, have a talk. The talk can be structured like a literature class--if someone says something controversial then the reader says, "well in paragrapgh 2 of your email you said thus and such; that's why I thought this or that." Use the text as evidence and continually clarify with each other, by referring to the email.

My partner has kept all my emails since 1995 on disc. Once I semi-jokingly asked him if he was saving them for the commitment hearing" and he said, "something like that." We thought it was funny. Thanks for trying to help your partner--who is like us. I appreciate that.