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Hi everyone,
Thank you all so much for your kind words and support - they've helped me no end. I haven't been around much, I know. I've been really bogged down with stuff. Work's busy and my training has been put on hold because someone else needs MORE training, so I'm being thrown in at the deep end with less training which is frustrating.
As for home being a sanctuary and a place to be ourselves, yes, it really is but I guess it depends on who you're with and how you're feeling at the time.
I'm still not much better, still finding daily life hard to cope with and I'm feeling more bogged down than ever with everything. So many people are giving me so much to think about and having 2 jobs is making everything quite difficult, this weekend has been the first in a month that I've had to myself - a full weekend. As of tomorrow, I'll not have a weekend free until March and even then I know those weekends will probably get booked up now, too.
I love my jobs, especially modelling, I can't complain. But at the same time, other people, friends, family etc, want me to stretch myself too far - they're all nagging me to go visit them, to do things for them, to organise things for them. I organised a photo shoot for my friend for his promotional pictures and art work for his album. He's really pleased with the images, which makes me happy. But whilst doing that, my Mother had another stroke and I knew nothing about it... Just because I was too busy to call her and because she told my siblings not to tell me because she didn't want to worry me, knowing I have so much on my plate.
When I DID find out after calling her yesterday, I felt like the World's worst Daughter. What kind of Daughter doesn't call her Mum every week when she's sick, to check that she's even ALIVE. I was lucky this time that Mum didn't die from it - who's to say next time - the 4th stroke in 2 years, won't be her last? It worries me so much and I feel rotten for not keeping in contact with the more often.
On top of that, I'm really unsure of myself and as much as I want to ask for support, I just don't get the time. My time is spent at work, modelling, helping friends or organising things for fundraising - anything that means I'm too busy to think about myself. It's terrible and I know I need to stop that, but most of the time, my working patterns don't allow me to go and see my GP or Pdoc. It's impossible and it's even harder to accept help when it's offered because I'm so worried that they'll all think my issues are nothing and that I'm just a whinging teenager being ungrateful about her life which is perfect.
Sorry, I'm having a really rough time right now and I just cannot decide what is right for me at the moment.
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