please don't read if you will get triggered. This is about a sexual assault and sui feelings.










17years ago I was sexually assaulted while in restraints at the county mental hospital by a staff member. I was only 22 at the time. I have compartmentalized it and shoved it down and not dealt with it for 17 years. Now my T and group T's office moved to a building right next to the county psych hospital. I can see the ward where I was attacked right outside the window and I have to drive by the hospital on my way to T and group T.

Needless to say, I have been having what my pdoc calls fear attacks. I hyperventilate, can't breathe, can't walk right and shake. This is the first time I have talked about it to my T and at group T and with my pdoc. They have all been so supportive.

However. I have been really depressed and suicidal. On top of all of this, there was an insurance snafu where they didn;t cover my meds for a few weeks and I was being weaned off of my meds. Luckily, with the help of my pdoc and T they got all my meds covered in 2 days time. But I am really struggling now with PTSD from the assault. I don't know what to do, what to tell my T other than I just want to die. I don't want to be that person. the one who was assaulted. That person died a long time ago.

My T has been really supportive and so has my group T and pdoc. I am afraid, so very afraid. This is the only T, group T and pdoc that have helped me in 22 years. I am afraid seeing them at that place, but I don;t want the person who hurt me to win either. I want to be stronger than him. I want to overcome this. I just don't know if I can. I also have CSA issues as well.

I don't really know why I am writing this, other than perhaps to get a little support. Can anyone relate to this at all? If so, how did you deal with it?