Other people cannot know or meet our needs. My husband's first wife complained because he "didn't make her happy". Assuming other people are there to act "on"/for us, we can't get happiness/needs met that way because they cannot know what we want/need and we cannot get them to do things for us (as they are busy feeling/doing things for themselves and meeting their own needs). We are doomed to be constantly frustrated or have people push us away because we are too clingy and in the way of their getting their own needs met.

Daydreams are just thoughts, like books, there is no "action" happening. They are not the actual experience of getting our needs met, they are supposed to be the planning stage for action. But we cannot plan well if we do not know what we want, to begin with. "Someone to hold me" is not a want, it is an action that is happening that makes us feel good.

"Wanting" someone to hold me, requires I look for a someone. I might never find one! Even "I wish John would hold me" requires John to do something, in order for me to get held.

Instead, imagining I am being held, is a picture/fantasy and we can use it to figure out how we can get there, leading up to that picture/fantasy; tell a little "story" which makes a possible plan. Knowing I want to be held and picturing myself "going there", I can walk up to someone and say, "I want a hug!" or I can stand in front of someone and hold my arms out (use body language), or I can make an appointment with someone ("Will you be available to give me a hug at 7:10 this evening?" :-) But all these plans, require my action, not the other person's. The other person responds rather than initiates. One cannot "imagine" wanting John to hold me; there's no action there, it never gets started.

My husband and I have a "step" thing; when I stand on a single step (we use to have one in the middle of our office at our old house; my "half" of the office was above the step and about 3/4th of the room and my DH's was below the step and 1/4th :-) he and I are the "right" height and fit extremely well together. So, when he wants a hug, he goes to the bottom of a step and stands there grinning until I notice what he is doing or I go and stand on a step and do the same thing We definitely look like crazy loons running when we see a single step anywhere and standing (often with our back to the other person :-) waiting patiently. My husband even orders, "Assume the position!" LOL

I treasured when my T made me feel good but I didn't tell her, I just maneuvered the situation as best I could so that we'd end up in that position; I literally "stole" my good feelings from her as she had no input; in a sense (rather crude) masturbated to thoughts of a person rather than asking that person for sex. That's "okay" but not the real experience of bonding with another person! My T said it was like she had a picnic spread out for us and I was a feral child who made sure she wasn't watching when I reached out and grabbed food off the table

It was a very hard concept for me to learn, how to initiate/join the picnic instead of feeling dependent on other providers to "let" me have some food.