Today I feel ok, but good enough to type something out that is not depressing or on the threshold of suicidality. I want to thank everyone who has been there for me, and currently is there for me. Without all of you I probably would not be typing this. Whenever I feel down I come on here and type my feelings out. It may be harsh, abrasive but it makes me think someone is actually listening and they are!

I've made the decision to take care of my self, a goal not a resolution for 2012. For those of you know, I'm and over the road truck driver, and go home maybe every 8-12 weeks. I haven't been on my meds in 9 months, I haven't actually spoken to a T or PDoc since then either. I have been on a downward spiral for months, and would have frequent bouts of extreme dark depression, incredible mood swings and thoughts of the ultimate decision. Something that is really plaguing me as we speak. But Again, still able to type!

That being said, I have chosen to take indefinent time off from the trucking industry and go back and get help. I'm really bad right now as far as the cycling goes, I've been mixed and suicidal for weeks maybe months and the voices have got really really really bad. I've decided with my sheer determination to be happy, and the support that I receive from the incredible PyschCentral community; that it is time to go back to the Doctor, and possibly the hospital until I can be stabilized. I want to be happy, if that means I can't drive because of meds, fine. I want to be happy, not some mopy pathetic feeling slab of crap. I'm 29 this year, and 29yrs of this mental hell is enough. I'm no longer gonna run; I'm no longer gonna hide; I'm no longer lie to myself and others (employer) about my mental illnesses. I haven't exactly got a date in mind on when I'm comming off the road, but it will be in the next 45 days.

Thank you all for you support, your kind words and private messages. Like I posted above my whole thinking and mood could of switched by the time you read this, and I'll be back in that depressed mopy crap mood. But fear not, I have friends who are watching over me, making sure I check-in atleast once perday, If I don't check in the calvary is called LOL. Thank you all for being my friends, it means a hell of a lot to me.

For those of you that may be curious, I keep saying going back; Its back east to Erie, Pennsylvania. That is home for now.