Hi all,

I'd like some thoughts on my situation. I'm not necessarily asking 'what should I do', but would like to put my story/thoughts down, gauge people's responses, and consider different points of view. Having said that, let me apologise for the length of this post (!) and elaborate on my situation.

Basically, I am thinking of divorcing my wife. Let me explain. In her teens my wife attempted to kill herself twice. She has grown up with no real friends (except one person) and is very anxious in social situations (sometimes she will run away or cry about it after returning home). She is also quite a negative person, and can become angry with relatively little provocation. I married her knowing these things, but (naïvely) thought that I could help her fix these things, provide protection, and make her flourish - after all, we were in love.

However, weeks after getting married things started to go downhill. We started to argue over things (we never argued whilst dating) and I discoverd that my wife was very scared/stressed by change (such as moving into our house, sorting bills etc.) and would spend great lengths of time with me making sure we were completely organised for our move and future. I began to suspect a sort of OCD here, as she would also make me pick up any crumb on the floor, sweep food preparation areas, align furniture etc. This was annoying, and I started to think of her as a nag, but things soon took a darker turn.

She often sees 'monsters' that seek her harm around the house, and lives in a constant state of fear and being on edge. In our frequent arguments (usually over small things such as whether we should switch energy providers or not!) she would become furious and, sometimes, take on what appeared to be a different personality. This new personality would scream, speak complete nonsense, clench her fists, and hiss and snarl like an animal. This has probably happened about five times in the last year. In these fits of rage, she has told me that she hates me and, on one occasion, has hit me (I thought she came very close to this the other times too). After these 'transformations' subside, she is distraught and asks for my forgiveness. She has also admitted to me that she sometimes hears 'voices' that tell her to hurt me, or sees images of her doing so (such as when we are sitting together on the couch), and that this distresses her.

I have convinced her to get help about these things, and we are in the process of seeing psychologists and chaplains. However, this is an extremely slow process and, at present, provides little hope.

As you can imagine, living with this for almost two years has taken its toll on me, but the last three months have been hideous from my perspective: I constantly feel trapped, hopeless, like my dreams have been crushed, and I have frequently thought about suicide (although I wouldn't go through with it. I haven't told my wife about the suicidal thoughts either). For a long time I have fantasised about leaving her and starting my life again. My wife is currently visiting her family for a couple of weeks, and I hoped that this might allow me chance to relax and reflect on things. However, she is constantly texting me and we talk on the phone every evening. These talks have sometimes ended in arguments and, the last couple of nights, we were on the phone for hours, her in tears, because she thought that I haven't been telling her I loved her enough or expressing my love as creatively as I had when we were dating. There seems to be no escape, and the fact is, because of the experiences I've had with her, I'm starting to resent her and want my life as a single man back. I hate feeling like I am constantly on eggshells around her (either from making a 'mess', or potentially provoking an argument from nothing) and know that I am lying when I tell her I love her. Moreover, as I was reflecting on all of this, it suddenly dawned on me that I am actually scared of her! I couldn't believe this at first - when a confidant asked me about how her personality swings make me feel I assured him that I was uneasy but not scared! - but it actually makes sense and explains my inability to love her and feelings of unease around her. I believe that my experience has given me deep emotional wounds that, despite my forgiveness of her, are unable to heal.

I fear that I will soon suffer some sort of breakdown from the feelings of resentment/sadness that I have and the pretence of my love for her. I think that my intuition is screaming at me to run (manifesting itself in the depression, suicidal thoughts, relief when I'm alone, fantasies of divorce etc.) but I know that she loves me (perhaps obsessively?), and would most likely revert to her suicidal tendencies should I tell her the truth about my feelings and leave.

Help.

Any comments appreciated.