Hello Everyone,

I'm back home. The wedding was beautiful and intimate and beyond emotional words. My new sister in law cried when she saw me and my little brother was - just my wonderful little brother, as usual. They fit so naturally together - I've never seen anything like it.

Things happened while I was away. My daughter needs surgery on her lower leg, she has anterior compartment syndrome. My son has two suspicious moles on his back that are getting bigger and needs surgery. My husband was put on steroids so he could breath because his seasonal allergies became so bad but he turned all red and itchy - weird because our bodies have steroids naturally. They made him stop them. And my father (bad man) was taken away by the paramedics (I live far away from my family) because his blood sugar dropped to 42 and he went into a coma. They say he may have a pancreatic tumor. All this in the 3 days I was gone.

I know I can deal with my children's problems - I have to I'm the mommy - but don't know how to deal with the dad issue. I see T tomorrow, thankfully. It may sound cruel, but I don't know how to feel about him. Part of me says, oh my gosh and the other part of me says hmph. I would never wish anyone ill, but don't know that I care. I have to tell T because I feel that if I care, I am approving what he did - he's still a bad man with no remorse, even at 76. But, he's my father. Very confused and dissociative. I'm trying to compartmentalize that one until I see T.

My kids and H bought me a special mother's day gift and gave it to me last night. I feel so undeserving - and I love them so much. My sister wants to take me to CA and that's complicated. I'm overwhelmed in the shadow of the wedding.

I had bad feelings last night that I had to journal about and sent T an e-mail. I wish someone could make this all go away.

You have all been so wonderful and supportive and put up with me and I don't deserve it.

Songbird