I so greatly appreciate all the comments left here regarding my questions.

I have been to rehab many times in my life, and have seen a number of therapists as well as been apart of group therapy sessions for months- thought it is hard for me to open up in a group setting and those were mainly due to my obligations when on probation because of drug use in my late teens.
I am afraid of rehab- I don't know. I am afraid of everything some times it seems. Then again, I have been trying to fix myself for a long time, as I have dealt with not only my alcoholism for 10+ years but also the self destructive behaviors. I suppose I used alcohol to numb my intense hyperactive thoughts- in a sense it was a way to "lobotomize" myself perhaps; not to mention, become social. For a long time i've had trouble relating to people and in general feel that I have seemingly sabotaged nearly every relationship I was ever in- though they have always been tumultuous and generally with men i realize now i was trying to save.
Trying to save- as though being able to focus on others internal emotional or outward problems made it easier to forget my own.
I feel I have partially sabotaged relationships for a number of reasons, mostly uncontrollable and usually not consciously. It's as though I don't feel I deserve love. It all feels like one heavy, neverending cycle.
At this point in my life, when before as a younger adult (and child) I was sad all the time- but now it seems easier to deal with the intense emotions that control me if I turn my sadness into anger. I pull away. Just tonight, I was talking to my most recent ex. It was a short but incredibly intense relationship and one that I felt was truly going to last. One i felt i could truly be strong enough to let go of my jealous habits of thinking, learn to trust, believe in him. He broke up with me last week after one of my explosions, over nothing seemingly it began. That night was when I had the worst blackout that I feel I've had in a long time and when I self mutilated horribly- blood on the walls and holes in doors, bruises all over my body. As though I am punishing myself- but is that it? What's worse is, I don't remember doing any of it. At all. Luckily a few friends were there to keep me from really going to far. I'm afraid of that behavior. It sickens me that i have been not only cutting myself for nearly fourteen years off and on, but my self mutilation goes further than that. I have literally given myself horrible concussions from slamming my head into anything near- whether it is pavement, the wall, a bathtub- this behavior makes me feel weak. And the guilt and self disappointment sets in. I have also burned myself in the past.

I still have not drank- it has been almost five days. This is a huge feat for me. I don't remember the last time I went that long. Still there is little to almost no craving of it. I have kept myself busy sleeping, and researching, and writing.

It seems to me that mostly what has helped me most in my life is when I create art, or when I write. I keep my writings secret from everyone I know- I have kept a journal since 2001. I am trying to write a book. I am trying to keep myself busy. I have seen countless therapists as I mentioned previously but I never trust them anymore. Writing has been usually the best therapy for me. I feel as though I am a jekyl and hyde sort of person, where I have two people inside of me, which are at a constant battle nearly every instant of everyday. Usually when I am at my best I can focus on my projects- working in my garden, on my writings, on my paintings and my designs.

For now I will take celexa and klonopin. Sometimes i feel i have so many problems that i have no idea what to start with. My horrible jealousy paralyzes me from being happy in any relationship. I've had bouts with drugs for 10 years plus as well- now I am past abusing most drugs usually- but i do think the drinking is what has helped ruin good things in my life for the most part. I am determined to quit. AA only makes me want to drink more. I believe I need to find a good therapist who i feel i can be truly honest with. I'm a very paranoid person and always feel someone is out to get me. I feel most people hate me. I hate being alone but i also don't like most people it seems- my fear of being alone with my own thoughts is usually what has led me to drink. What's worse usually to me is that I feel I understand all the things i do wrong, even as i am doing them. Still i cannot control myself. My emotions are like waves which sweep over me.

Also, I don't think that one person I've cried to, suggesting I had BPD believed me. It's as though it isn't real. Then i just feel as though I have failed again.

There must be an answer somewhere.