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ThePainNeverDies · 03:10 PM

I am caught up in the business of life, but that's still no excuse... Mum should be more important than anything. I have changed things now, I'll be calling her every week to check that she's ok.

If I'm too busy to think about my own Mother, then I'm definitely far too busy to think about myself. I try to but a lot of the time, others want me to be there to help them, so I forget me and carry on helping everyone else. I know I shouldn't but it's my way of coping I suppose.

I'll believe that I need help until I feel fully myself again and that's going to take ages. It's going to take ages just to get the help I want because no-one so far has taken me seriously. It's frustrating, knowing that I'm struggling so much but the people who are there to help just don't take me seriously, they seem to think I'm just being melodramatic.

I honestly don't know how to take care of myself..

Today has been a really stressful day, I've been promised 3 times that my team leader will come and have a one to one with me. Three times she's let me down because someone else 'needed' training. She let me down again today despite scheduling me in last week, purely because someone else wanted a meeting with her. She must have sat with me for all of 3 minutes before I was left to my own devices again.

I was due to go 'live' today, start doing my job with no help. I DID go live today, but I was anxious, horribly anxious because I've had almost no input from her, so I feel like I've just been left out in the cold. I'm terrified of making mistakes. Not just in my job, but in life in general. I'm a perfectionist, I HAVE to get everything right, I HAVE to do better than everyone else, I HAVE to do better than even I think I can. If i make a mistake, I get even more anxious, I beat myself up for it, I dread others coming to me and saying 'you messed up, now you're in trouble.' I worry so much.

I'm generally an anxious person but at the moment, I'm more anxious than I remember ever being before - I'm a horrible, shaking mess.
I had a few dreams last night. In the first, I found an old favourite jumper and it was like brand new, so I wore it all the time. In the second one, I found a yellow and black vase that had broken. The top had chipped, a massive chunk had been chipped off the top and on the opposite side on the bottom, the same had happened. Leaning against it also broken, was a glass statue of a (I think?) cat, that had caused this vase to break as it fell off a surface..
In the last was one I really didn't want to have, one I couldn't stop thinking about. It was a dream about the person who attacked me, coming back to get me like he said he would. Sneaking into my room at night, following me on the street, hiding at work and following me there. Eurgh. Now I can't shake the fear. I smile and laugh at work but inside, the anxiety leaves me tired and falling asleep by lunch time. It's awful

I'm so scared of myself, of others, of life, of mistakes, terrified of everything and it's tearing me apart.

What is wrong with me???