Thanks all for the kind replies. I just left an urgent message for my T. I am having some serious sui thoughts and strangely, I feel very calm now. Somehow, I don;t think that is a good sign. So I am off for a nap, and hopefully I will wake up an entirely different person. At least i can hope. Please don't fear, when I can't control my suicidal urges, I always get help. I am always afraid I will kill myself at the wrong time for the wrong reason and that I will regret it. If that makes any sense. When I go, I want to know it is the best choice for me, which ironically, that is when I call and get help. I am very confusing,especially to myself.