Hi there,
I know exactly what you mean. I have had a history of unhealthy relationships, but all marked by a high in the beginning that I believe should last forever. He should never find fault with me, love me as I am, etc.

In my previous relationship, he thought I was the most beautiful, interesting woman he ever met. 1 year later & he still could not take his eyes off me....

It is like the thing I desire most is a loving, lasting relationship. I don't want to grow old alone. I am 44 & tired of taking care of myself. I see others sharing responsibilities, burdens, etc. The weird thing is although I want this, when I am not in a relationship, I get to a point where I am my most peaceful....

Ok, so what I have begun to realize is that I define myself by my relationships, all of them (friends too), but mostly the significant other one. When one starts up it's like a high that I think should last forever, true love. Then reality sets in. He starts finding fault here & there. He still thinks I am beautiful, but I start perceiving little rejections. I start feeling let down, but mostly that flawed feeling starts returning, that I am worthless, etc. I start to feel ugly & voila!, ED starts up again.

What is the answer? Well, I am in therapy (just started) tyring to figure out who the heck I am. I have such a poor self-image & lack of identity that I let them be determined by those around me. The slightest hint of perceived rejection jabs away at my sense of self-worth. I feel empty & want to fill that & for a short time & he does....for a minute....

What is that saying, everywhere you go, there you are? Kinda the same thing, everyone you're with, there you are.