Well, that is a good question. I emailed T today to see if I could see her or talk to her on the phone or if we could email back and forth to each other sometime today because I was feeling really panicky about stuff.

My husband and I had gone on a tour of a place where they make rum. The smell of the place reminded me of my grandfather. Now..... I can't ever smell a thing. I have lost my sense of smell, but in this instance, the smell of that rum wafted over me and instantly I said to my husband, "This place smells like my grandfather." (I don't drink at all, so I'm very unfamiliar with the smell of any kind of alcohol) Anyway- that smell took me back to partial bad memories. I know what happened to a point and then I go blank. Those memories just keep rolling around and around in my head until I start to feel dread at what lies beyond what I do remember.

All that explanation to say...... I want to talk, but what I feel happened in the past (beyond what I do know has happened) is so scary and bad that I can't let it out. I was trying to tell T today, but I couldn't. It's llike the words just freeze coming out of my mouth. T suggested that if i wrote it down it might help. This has helped me before. So, I'm gonna try again. It usually takes a few times of writing and saying it to myself before I can say it to T though.

I don't know if that's what you're lookig for or not, but if you can come up with other ways to ease into talking to T about the hard core stuff- please let me know. For me, it's been 2 years of first, not talking at all, and second- talking in terms of generality and growing to feel that she truly cares about me before I've been able to really do any therapy and even then, I wouldn't say I've gotten all that far. T will tell me that I've come a long way- and will remind me of when I couldn't talk to her, and that helps put things in a better perspective for me. It also helps me when you post, because I can see the advances you are making- and how hard it is to do, and I can see that if I'm impressed with how and what you are doing, that I should be impressed with my efforts as well. So- THANK YOU so much for having the courage and the ability to write and express your feelings so well here on PC. You have helped me along in a big way.