Quote:
Originally Posted by TwoHandsOneHeart
Yeah. I keep on going to talk to my mom about therapy, since I'm only 16 and need her consent. However, I'm scared to, but at the same time I don't want this to be an issue that I deal with all my life. I want to be able to be content. I don't want my self-worth and image to change so much. I'm tired of the cycles. It's like PMS, in a sense. Except, I'm happy and reckless for a week before my self-esteem just goes and implodes in on itself. I often mistake it for being okay, seeing as my self-esteem is boosted x5000.
I really want this relationship to work so I'm trying to be more open. However, I think it's a problem that, even though I'm only 16, I always think I've found the love of my life and that we're going to get married. My current relationship, is like your previous relationship, he thinks I'm the most beautiful girl ever, and he treats me like a princess. However, I believe what threw me in this one, is that he said he doesn't like the concept of marriage (I know that it might seem weird that we were talking about this, but we always talk about the future and life and stuff..). I don't know. I don't even know anymore. I know myself so well, that I kind of gave up on trying to figure anything else out besides what I already know. It gets too confusing.
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Well I think it's great that at 16 you are considering therapy & looking at yourself. I wish I had done that. Although I only really wrote about my previous relationship, now that I am really looking back, I started this back then. I was not clear-headed enough to look at it until recently, a life of alcohol & junk. Anyway, now we are discovering other issues, BP, BPD....Oh I wish I had had a fighting chance back then, but no use crying over it now, is there? Like I've heard, I may not have had a great start, but I can have a great finish.
Anyway, another thing I had thought of, & funny (not like ha ha funny, irony funny) you put the marriage topic, is that I had put that when he started finding little faults here & there it felt like rejection, & this is true, but the other was when I would learn something about him that surprised me or sort of shattered my vision of the fantasy. What I think would happen is yes, I would feel let down, but I then would blame it on myself. "I should have known" or "I am so stupid for letting myself get carried away again", that kind of thing. I mean don't I have a right to actually be disappointed in him? with God? with ? Why am I always beating myself up?
The other part though of this is that I don't let go until much later. It dies that slow death. If we don't agree on a BIG thing, a deal breaker, I just keep it to myself how I really feel, or more like how strongly I feel, beat myself up & go into denial. But of course it resurfaces....Haven't figured out why I do this....cuz no one else will want me? Still in my fantasy about this one? Not sure....