((((BlackHoleKid))))

Thank you for posting and reaching out. I only can relate in the paper thing not in the way of tissue or napkins even though I do hear you and get what you are saying. I do not like to pick up tissue that someone has used when they leave it laying but I can. I just wash my hands afterwards.

But I can relate the closest with wet or dirty paper. I cannot use paper that is dirty or wet. I have to write on paper that is straight and keep between the red lines. I cannot go over the lines because I fear getting in trouble. That comes from my childhood and how I had to always write between the red lines.

I also do not like to make mistakes when writing. I used to have to cross out the mistakes and wrote sorry above every mistake I made or I use whiteout to make the mistakes go away. Before that though I would always throw away the paper and start over if I made a mistake. Mistakes were not allowed as a child and I feared that for a really long time.

I am getting better at it now but still am bother by it. I also do not like bent paper or wrinkled paper. If I fold my paper I have to have it folded in two and even, then placed somewhere it will not get messed up. Another thing that I learned early on.

One thing I always believed was that paper is valuable, more valuable than me. I was terrified of making a mistake or crossing the lines so much that I was obsessed about it. I do not like it when it gets smudged or crinkled. And I have to make it neat. As a child, I was made to sit just right and to hold the pencil or pen just right. I am left handed but I wrote just as a right handed person. Mistakes were just not okay at all.

To be honest I used to cry when I would make a mistake, or I would cry if my paper would get bent or crinkled. It would drive me crazy and I felt like it was not good enough and that I would get in trouble. Fear screamed. When someone would tell me it was okay it is just paper, I would cry more and tell them you do not understand. It was anything but okay.

I do not know if I made any sense or not but I validate how you feel and what it is for you. I too am an artist and am always writing. Always trying to keep everything really neat and done right. Although like I said I am getting better at letting mistakes go but it still really bothers me. I just do not talk about this because I am afraid I would be looked at as weird.

I hope this helps you feels not so alone. Many people have different things that bother them or drives them crazy, you are not the only one. It may be different but in a sense it is the same in some aspects.

And like Umbrel_Seraph said it could be that you have an issue with dirt. I know that I cannot get my hands dirty, and I always am cleaning (sweeping my floors and mopping, and changing things around and cleaning behind things, etc) and I know the reason as it is also attached to my childhood.

Thank you again for posting and for asking. I know that what I deal with is different but it is also the in some ways the same. I hope you will keep posting. Hugs (if okay).

dps