Quote:
Originally Posted by karebear1
Well, that is a good question. I emailed T today to see if I could see her or talk to her on the phone or if we could email back and forth to each other sometime today because I was feeling really panicky about stuff.
My husband and I had gone on a tour of a place where they make rum. The smell of the place reminded me of my grandfather. Now..... I can't ever smell a thing. I have lost my sense of smell, but in this instance, the smell of that rum wafted over me and instantly I said to my husband, "This place smells like my grandfather." (I don't drink at all, so I'm very unfamiliar with the smell of any kind of alcohol) Anyway- that smell took me back to partial bad memories. I know what happened to a point and then I go blank. Those memories just keep rolling around and around in my head until I start to feel dread at what lies beyond what I do remember.
All that explanation to say...... I want to talk, but what I feel happened in the past (beyond what I do know has happened) is so scary and bad that I can't let it out. I was trying to tell T today, but I couldn't. It's llike the words just freeze coming out of my mouth. T suggested that if i wrote it down it might help. This has helped me before. So, I'm gonna try again. It usually takes a few times of writing and saying it to myself before I can say it to T though.
I don't know if that's what you're lookig for or not, but if you can come up with other ways to ease into talking to T about the hard core stuff- please let me know. For me, it's been 2 years of first, not talking at all, and second- talking in terms of generality and growing to feel that she truly cares about me before I've been able to really do any therapy and even then, I wouldn't say I've gotten all that far. T will tell me that I've come a long way- and will remind me of when I couldn't talk to her, and that helps put things in a better perspective for me. It also helps me when you post, because I can see the advances you are making- and how hard it is to do, and I can see that if I'm impressed with how and what you are doing, that I should be impressed with my efforts as well. So- THANK YOU so much for having the courage and the ability to write and express your feelings so well here on PC. You have helped me along in a big way.
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i am so sorry of the stuff you are remembering about your grandfarther,and thank you for sharing such a personal part of yourself and history with me.sometimes i wish o would forget the things that went on in my past.i seem to remember everything.every smell,every feeling,every hurt.just everything like it was yesterday.but sometimes i read how painfull it can be to not remember parts of your past andthink how horrible that must be.i mean i only remember small flashes from before 3rd grade but with that i just figure it is more of the same.and i had family members who were more then willing to fill me in on all the horrible stuff that went on.
i do a lot of writing but still find it hard to read it to her.she has been wating for two weeks for me to finish reading that letter i wrote a few weeks ago.believe me she even brought it up yesterday to let me know she hasnt forgot
.i do think writing helps get my thoughts strate in my head though.
thanks for sharing what you do i am always intrested on how people work up the courrage to talk about these amazingly hard things.this is the kind of stuff that inspires me to keep trying.
