Thanks to you both. Strangely, I slept for the first time in a week after writing that last night. I Imagined being coddled and loved. That image comforted me to sleep, apparently. Maybe I've discovered a treatment for insomnia, Eureka! I have thought about visiting a nursing home, my mom lives in subsidized housing, nearby. I've always visited her often, for the last twenty+ years. We've laughed together and argued also. Typical, honest and healthy relationship. She couldn't give what she never received, I've accepted that. The other elderly people there are very friendly also, I enjoy talking with all of them and they smile, as they guard their front door from unwanted visitors. Wouldn't want to be their enemy. I do have a T and pdoc. My meds work well and my pdoc agrees. My therapist doesn't seem worried about me. He is helpful to me because he helps me to problem solve on how to get my emotional needs met, safely. Anything I post here, is just mind noise. Venting. Thanks to you both for reading, it helps to be heard.