Thank you for your replies Velcro and WOWY
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Originally Posted by velcro003
My T once told me that if my childhood was all warm and fuzzy, that i would remember that. That children will hold onto that. I don't know. Someone also has asked me "Well if you don't remember, how do you know it was normal?" Because the things I do remember ARE normal. And I don't question if my parents abused me or anything like that.
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Yeah I think this too. It makes me worry about having kids one day that I will inadvertently mess them up too. If I'm not too sensitive or not resilient enough (i.e. the problem is not with me, though I suspect it is) and had a 'normal-enough' childhood (i.e. the problem is not my environment/family), then how do parents ever manage to raise happy & healthy children/adults?!
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Originally Posted by with or without you
I had a good upbringing with great parents and many warm & happy memories. However, I was shy and lonely, and my mother had a drinking problem which she began to enter treatment for when I was 9. (it took her a few attempts.) This created a lot of embarrassment for me personally and led to most of my current problems as a 30 year old. I have only begun to discuss this with T in the past year, and T suggested exploring the anger I have surrounding this. I was a little surprised because I didn't think I was angry with my mother since she had changed her life and had been sober for almost 20 years. It was difficult for me to admit that I actually was angry with Mom, because she really was (and is) a fantastic mother and the most important person in my life. But I did, in 11 or 12 pages which I wrote for therapy. I had a few secrets tucked away way down inside, and they stayed there because I was ashamed. I had never spoken of them at all, not even with T because I just didn't want to go there. (this mostly had to do with people trying to "butt in" and help us out when my mom was away getting treatment). It's funny what lengths the mind will go to in order to save oneself from dealing with something unpleasant.
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I suspect that hidden VERY deep down I have some anger at my parents about my home life as a teen. However anger frightens me so so much, because of all the damage it caused then. I equate anger with losing control and hurting people (both emotionally and physically), and so I repress it. And also, intellectually as an adult, I know that it wasn't my parent's fault as they did the best that they could with an awful situation, and so I feel guilty being angry, even deep down, at them. And I also feel I should take some responsibility as my parents tried to offer support at the time and I rejected it - they weren't mind readers!
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Originally Posted by with or without you
I also wrote a much longer bit on why I have so many hangups about sex, intimacy, getting close to people, and even just hugging. Why I, as an adult woman, cannot form ADULT romantic relationships. I've racked my brain for years and years trying to think of anything at all that may have happened—abuse, molestation without knowing it, inappropriate behavior towards me from adults, and I couldn't think of anything. It's quite frustrating.
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I also have the same problem WOWY, but I know where that came from. As a teen I was having all these problems at home and I was feeling emotionally isolated from my family, so I physically isolated myself from them and stopped hugging etc. At the same time as my friends were discovering boys, I was keeping up this pretence that my home life was fine (I had tried opening up to my best friend but she was too emotionally immature to deal with it) and so isolated myself from everyone else as well. So I completely skipped the teen crush phase. At the time physical intimacy (hugging) from my parents felt 'wrong' and horrible when they tried to initiate it, because I no longer had that emotional connection with them, and after years with little practise at intimacy, I don't remember how to do it any more. I still don't feel 'safe' enough to open up emotionally to others, even T, and I don't think that I can work on physical intimacy unless I'm feeling comfortable with emotional intimacy to then go from there.
Thanks for all the replies guys
*Willow*