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I also have the same problem WOWY, but I know where that came from. As a teen I was having all these problems at home and I was feeling emotionally isolated from my family, so I physically isolated myself from them and stopped hugging etc. At the same time as my friends were discovering boys, I was keeping up this pretence that my home life was fine (I had tried opening up to my best friend but she was too emotionally immature to deal with it) and so isolated myself from everyone else as well. So I completely skipped the teen crush phase. At the time physical intimacy (hugging) from my parents felt 'wrong' and horrible when they tried to initiate it, because I no longer had that emotional connection with them, and after years with little practise at intimacy, I don't remember how to do it any more. I still don't feel 'safe' enough to open up emotionally to others, even T, and I don't think that I can work on physical intimacy unless I'm feeling comfortable with emotional intimacy to then go from there.
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I stopped hugging my parents too! Except I did it at like 8 or 9 years old, so I don't remember my actual thinking about it at the time really. I was also way too emotionally isolated to date much as a teenager, but that's a whole other story, and another thing that was strongly influenced by my parents mistaking my issues for theirs.
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Not even bad secrets, but things like money worries and my Mum's SAD that parents try to protect their children from worrying about. I know when my Nan died, my Mum didn't allow herself to grieve but threw herself into organising the funeral and taking care of my Grampy, and so I never saw her cry for my Nan. I knew she was very upset, but she didn't cry in front of me (she later told me she didn't grieve properly for 2 years) and so I learnt that grown-ups don't show negative emotions, and so I kept mine bottled up too. Yet my brothers aren't like that. And I don't think there was necessarily anything wrong with my parents trying to protect us from grown-up worries as little children shouldn't be burdened with things like that.
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I think there is A LOT to this. If your mom wasn't dealing with her own pain, how could she be equipped to see yours for what it was? I am by no means defending her. But it makes a lot of sense. And as a child, I imagine you also felt very disconnected from your mom at that time, to be so obviously harming yourself and to have her not see it. I wish someone had helped you.
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I guess I struggle with finding things that weren't 'good' about my childhood, as I feel as if that makes it my parent's 'fault' and I don't agree with that. I know that my parent's did the best that they could and they love us all so much. That's what leads me to think that it's something wrong with me, when my brothers turned out so happy and I'm so messed up - that I'm too sensitive or not resilient enough etc...
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My brothers also don't have the same struggles I do. I think birth order makes a difference (are they older or younger?), and also, maybe you also have a physiological component in this. I had been reluctant to try antidepressants, but when I did, one amazing thing I realized was that a lot of the bad stuff was
not my fault. Of course I had behaviors that I needed to fix, but some of the unbearable sadness simply wasn't under my control -- my body was working against me and making things harder.
And finally, not resilient enough? You survived suicidal thinking, even attempts, in your childhood... and you haven't used those persistent thoughts or feelings as reason for accepting defeat. You think you're not resilient? I very much disagree
