You aren't alone and you're not an "attention seeking loser." Its weird, but sometimes I feel like I need the intense emotion too. Kinda just to feel alive I guess? I'm not sure how to explain that, but feeling like you are in limbo is no fun either. I think it says a lot about who you are that you don't want to stop because you don't want to disappoint your mother. I don't want to stop because I don't want to hurt mine anymore. My meds have helped me snap less, but I just changed my done and now I feel very anxious and unsure about my emotions. I think you should def stay on them, but tell your pdoc how you are feeling and the temptation to go off them. I plan on telling mine that today. I hope you stay on them and I hope you feel better