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Still havin' a hard time. Went "home" for a bit, to find things bit crazy. Grandfather is sick, he doesn't talk to us and I am worried he does not have much time.... as much as it is a fact of life... it scares me.
And I pretty much have plan to go out on my own accords, before I get "like this". I have been weaving plans to go out while still productive and capable and passably looking, because I don't want to see myself going down or go to the point where I will not have enough guts or strenght to have the choice.
Mom lost her job of social worker and it is hitting her now, that she has nothing else to do but retire.
As much as I want to be there for my family I escaped now to Brno, my "home" on dorms to work on my thesis about wars. Wars seem preferable to my life and my inner struggle (27-who-achieved-close-to-nothing-and-future-is-so-bleak).
I am thinking about applying to jobs far far faaaaaaaar away. Friend suggested Japan. Japan does not seem far enough for me (nevertheless I am going to go for it and pray so it works out). My escapism is in full blown mode. Anywhere but here seems wonderful and promising. It postpones things. If I am in some far away foreign country, I don't have to fully live. I can go on with my survivalism. Maybe I would find a will and strenght to fully live somewhere far far away. Eventhough I have no idea what it means to "live". I thought I knew, but.... I am not sure. What if all this is a huge act of pretending? Do my friends and family live with their jobs and children and dogs and cats and holidays? What if all my holidays and cats and studies are mere substitute to what really matters? It feels so so soooooooo empty right now.
I don't even know why I am posting this here. Probably trying to make sense of it all. And hoping I am not wasting too much of cyberspace with my 0s and 1s....
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Glory to heroes!
HATEFREE CULTURE
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