((Venus)) That all sounds miserable and stressful. I'll keep your family in my thoughts and prayers.
My grandmother died of Alzheimer's, and after watching her decay physically and mentally, I can understand wanting to go before things get too bad. Just please don't think of leaving anytime soon! There are a ton of people on PC who would miss you.
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I am thinking about applying to jobs far far faaaaaaaar away.
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I can really relate to that. I often contemplate just hopping on a plane and starting a new life somewhere "far far faaaaaaaar away". Unfortunately for us, most of our problems will follow wherever we go.
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Maybe I would find a will and strenght to fully live somewhere far far away. Eventhough I have no idea what it means to "live". I thought I knew, but.... I am not sure. What if all this is a huge act of pretending? Do my friends and family live with their jobs and children and dogs and cats and holidays? What if all my holidays and cats and studies are mere substitute to what really matters? It feels so so soooooooo empty right now.
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I'm not sure I know what it means to "live" either, and I often feel more dead than alive. What if everything is an "act of pretending"? What would the consequences be-people not realizing their potential as human beings, or something more drastic than even that? Something supernatural? Is there any way to detect the consequences?
If what people traditionally hold dear is just a substitute to what truly matters, how would we know that it was a substitute? Would it not be as fulfilling as something "real"? This is essentially the same question I asked earlier, reworded.
Are you afraid that there is nothing "real", nothing that actually matters? Is that what is behind the emptiness?
I hope that you can find some satisfying answers soon.