Thank you everyone for your replies.
It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who struggles with this, though obviously I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
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Originally Posted by SallyBrown
I stopped hugging my parents too! Except I did it at like 8 or 9 years old, so I don't remember my actual thinking about it at the time really. I was also way too emotionally isolated to date much as a teenager, but that's a whole other story, and another thing that was strongly influenced by my parents mistaking my issues for theirs.
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I didn't realise why I'd stopped hugging them at the time; this has taken years of introspection to figure out.
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Originally Posted by SallyBrown
I think there is A LOT to this. If your mom wasn't dealing with her own pain, how could she be equipped to see yours for what it was? I am by no means defending her. But it makes a lot of sense. And as a child, I imagine you also felt very disconnected from your mom at that time, to be so obviously harming yourself and to have her not see it. I wish someone had helped you.
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I wish someone had too SallyBrown. I think that maybe if someone had I wouldn't have bottled everything up in my teens too (it wouldn't have been so deeply entrenched) and I wouldn't be so messed up now...
Quote:
Originally Posted by SallyBrown
My brothers also don't have the same struggles I do. I think birth order makes a difference (are they older or younger?), and also, maybe you also have a physiological component in this. I had been reluctant to try antidepressants, but when I did, one amazing thing I realized was that a lot of the bad stuff was not my fault. Of course I had behaviors that I needed to fix, but some of the unbearable sadness simply wasn't under my control -- my body was working against me and making things harder.
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I'm the oldest so I've always felt that I have to be the strong, responsible one and I tried to protect the younger ones when everything kicked off in my teens. Also I'm quite introverted and sensitive (in the sense of Elaine Aron's 'highly sensitive person') and I wonder if that made me more perceptive to things that were hidden around us than my brothers? As an adult I know that there were various things going on, and I wonder if I knew something was 'off' even though my parents were trying to protect us? But then T is CBT-trained and is always going on about how my intuition isn't necessarily right and trying to prove that I interpret situations 'wrong', so he probably wouldn't agree with this. This does *feel* right though - that I picked up on adult stuff, though I didn't know what was going on. And I think if you know something is wrong, but the adults around you say there isn't anything wrong to protect you, that could explain why I doubt myself so much (i.e. if I've always been told my intuition is 'wrong')...
And I wish I could blame it on genes and biology, but meds don't work for me
I'm hoping it's just that they haven't been the 'right' meds as I'm thinking of re-trying meds, but I worry that I'm just defective...
Quote:
Originally Posted by SallyBrown
And finally, not resilient enough? You survived suicidal thinking, even attempts, in your childhood... and you haven't used those persistent thoughts or feelings as reason for accepting defeat. You think you're not resilient? I very much disagree  |
Thank you SallyBrown
I'm not sure I agree with "you haven't used those persistent thoughts or feelings as reason for accepting defeat" as I'm pretty ambivalent about that at the moment. But it is nice to hear - I'm always beating myself up for every little thing...
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Originally Posted by velcro003
It feels good knowing im not the only one! And in my 4 yrs of therapy, i am working on just trusting/emotional intimacy. I cant even begin to talk about lack of relationships/physical intimacy. I feel ya |
The thought of discussing physical intimacy with ANYONE, let alone a MALE T *freaks*me*out*
Also I feel this pressure to sort myself out quick because I'm seeing T on the NHS and I have no idea how much longer I'll be allowed to see him for. I talked to him last session as I've seen him 17 times now and I was worried he'd have to kick me out after 20 sessions, and he said he doesn't have a max number of sessions as he's a CPN. He also said initially he thought 8-10 sessions would be enough when he got my referral to which I
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Originally Posted by velcro003
YES. i feel crazy because i feel like "why am i so afraid of change, or of intimacy if my childhood was 'normal?" Its just ME. That is just who I am. I tend towards depression, i am an introvert so i LOVE my alone time, and i just suck and am afraid of intimacy.
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Yeah I blame myself a lot too. One day I'd love to get married and have kids, but I know I have so much work to do before I'll be able to have a romantic relationship...and even then I'm not sure I should have kids - I think I'd just mess them up even worse than I am
Quote:
Originally Posted by velcro003
yeah there were a few crap memories, but no one's childhood was perfect. everyone was mad at their parents at one time or another. my T has never used the words "emotional abuse," (and im glad because if she even tried to use 'abuse' on me, i'd flip), but she does think there are valid reasons why i keep my family at arm's length and 500 miles away. Even though i can't remember from ages 3-8 or 9, i don't think i am blocking things out.
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I always defend my parents when T is slightly critical of them, but I also feel guilty that I'm giving him this impression of them when they're not able to defend themselves or give their side of the story. I'm also guilty at having this 'forbidden' anger at them, that I try really hard to deny even to myself. If T used the word "abuse" though I'd probably fall out of my chair!! I don't think I'm blocking out anything 'bad' though.
Anyway thanks guys
It's always good to get feedback on your thoughts
*Willow*