Right now, I do.
I am not a danger to myself, right now.
I am in distress, and I would like to escape it.
I think about my plan. (The plan and the way to implement it are close at hand.)
I don't have a history of attempts.
I do have a history of "ideation." (It's a way I use to reassure myself that I am not trapped.)

The precipitating stressor is not so horrible. My distress is way out of proportion to the stressor. (That is what they usually say about people who choose to die.)
I often think of Admiral Boorda who ended his life in 1996, very unnecessarily IMO.
I think what happens is that the "precipitating stressor" is not all that is going on. It may be small, yet be just enough to tip the balance.

My morning medication is kicking in and I just got calmer.
I made myself a nice cup of tea that I am enjoying with toasted raisin bread.
So I have managed to stop crying and I am making it from one half hour to the next.

I don't believe I have the energy or the will to do what it would take for me to rebuild my self-respect. So I stay in this apartment, doing nothing. I agree to take a work assignment, and then I go into "crises" as the time draws near to fulfill the commitment. This keeps happening. I become distraught and think that "I just want out." Then, instead, I choose to stay alive. But I live, believing that I have forfeited my honor. So that is why I want to die.

The Neurontin and Ritalin have kicked in and . . . how differently I feel! I drank a nutritional supplement beverage. (I am too depressed to cook.) It would be a good next step to start coloring my hair and take a shower and blow dry my hair. Then my appearance will be presentable, which will help me face going into my employer's office tomorrow.

I need to let go of the keyboard and get up. All that life is asking of me now is that I go into the bathroom and attend to my hygiene and grooming. The meds have calmed me enough to be able to do that. For now, I only have to think about doing that. I am remembering that when I last made myself look nice, I did feel better about myself.

Nobody really wants to die. What is wanted is relief from tormenting distress that seems, otherwise, inescapable. I know that I live in a Gehenna of my own creation. I can leave it, today, if I tidy up myself and pick up my apartment and take care of a check that bounced. Lots of bills will sit there unpaid. That one I need to take care of - my life insurance, having kept it up these past 24 years.

Forgive me for going on so. Being so self-preoccupied is part of what's wrong with me. I feel like I have just given myself kind of a pep talk that could kick in and get me into the bathroom. The temptation to do nothing is strong. Before playing a rented movie I've got, I want to do something to feel I've earned some points to trade in for the time spent idle in front of the TV.