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I'm the oldest so I've always felt that I have to be the strong, responsible one and I tried to protect the younger ones when everything kicked off in my teens. Also I'm quite introverted and sensitive (in the sense of Elaine Aron's 'highly sensitive person') and I wonder if that made me more perceptive to things that were hidden around us than my brothers? As an adult I know that there were various things going on, and I wonder if I knew something was 'off' even though my parents were trying to protect us? But then T is CBT-trained and is always going on about how my intuition isn't necessarily right and trying to prove that I interpret situations 'wrong', so he probably wouldn't agree with this. This does *feel* right though - that I picked up on adult stuff, though I didn't know what was going on. And I think if you know something is wrong, but the adults around you say there isn't anything wrong to protect you, that could explain why I doubt myself so much (i.e. if I've always been told my intuition is 'wrong')...
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In my opinion, you're hitting the nail on the head. I go crazy doubting my own perceptions, because they always seemed to be "wrong." I could see why a CBT therapist might not want to focus so much on it, but I think it's true that kids know when things don't add up.
I'm the oldest too. I'd agree that the high expectations on the firstborn add to the feeling of responsibility and self-sacrifice, and I also think that because my brothers had my parents but ALSO me taking care of them, that made a difference. I'm not saying I'm responsible for their lack of depression (ha), but I think it did make a difference to have that extra figure to look to for emotional guidance. They questioned my parents' way of doing things more than I did.
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And I wish I could blame it on genes and biology, but meds don't work for me  I'm hoping it's just that they haven't been the 'right' meds as I'm thinking of re-trying meds, but I worry that I'm just defective...
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Whoa, now wait a second, just because having antidepressants work is a good indicator of underlying biology, does NOT mean that the converse is also true. The area of psychiatric medications is one a big black box full of question marks. Just because it hasn't worked for you doesn't mean there's nothing going on, because no one even knows what the biology really IS. So don't lose hope or beat yourself up about it. I think you could always try re-visiting meds, because you never know... but they aren't everything, by a long shot.
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Thank you SallyBrown  I'm not sure I agree with "you haven't used those persistent thoughts or feelings as reason for accepting defeat" as I'm pretty ambivalent about that at the moment. But it is nice to hear - I'm always beating myself up for every little thing...
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I can see that! However, the very fact that you are still trying by seeing a therapist means you haven't given up. Give yourself a little credit
