I've been really struggling since telling my t stuff I've kept hidden all my life. I've never told anyone such disgusting stuff about myself. In the past, I have sometimes told people relatively minor things about myself. Until the last few years, I have NEVER told anyone anything remotely bad or private about myself without it coming back to bite me in the rear. EVERY time I have told a person something private about myself, it was used against me the first time the person became really angry at me. I have three female friends now who have not used anything against me when angry at me, yet. and that is how I think of it -- they haven't turned something I've said against me, YET. So, I'm struggling with the thought that at some point my t will be angry at me about something and point out how vile and disgusting I am, and he is not, and therefore he is right -- or something like that because that's what's always happened.

AND there is that ongoing fear that what I said is so gross that no matter what he says to me, he is secretly disgusted by me and doesn't like me at all. That old old message that the only reason anyone seems to like me is because they don't actually know me keeps echoing in my head. This man KNOWS me, so clearly he cannot like me or love me.

so today at therapy, near the end, I asked my T to sit next to me and talk for a few minutes about how I feel about having told the gross stuff. So he did, and then I DIDN'T WANT him sitting there but didn't feel like I could just go, Ooops! Changed my mind. You're too close. Move back. Jesus he's a lot bigger than me.

anyway, if he didn't like me anymore, or was secretly disgusted, it's not like he'd tell me anyway, right? what was my point in going over that with him? I just feel like such a loser and a big baby. Trying to force him into saying he still likes me and won't use stuff against me even if he gets mad. he SAYS he likes me even more, and SAYS he won't use information against me if he gets angry, but who would admit to stuff like that anyway? ugh. I hate therapy.