I haven't posted anything in the SI forum yet, I've been battling with my brain the past week or so, trying to think of how to expose myself to the world. I have many thoughts on SI, with no clear vision as to where/how to begin addressing my problem(s). I would like to post a lengthy introduction to my mind here, and yet, I'm afraid to do so. I know I'm not alone in this, I've read a number of posts in this forum that echo my own experiences. However, I feel insignificant and almost like an intruder just rattling off half my life story to a group of participants who seem to have a tight knit group here. How do I weasel my way into this circle? I feel like that's been my entire viewpoint on social interactions in general. I find it hard to speak with people when I'm in a group. I much prefer one-on-one conversations. Even with close friends that I've known for years, if there's more than three people, I just shut down. I don't know what to say, how to say it.

My difficulties in communicating with people have led me to bottle up my frustrations, my anxieties, my depression. I hide everything. I put up a facade to keep people from worrying. Some people see through it, others don't. Bottling everything up has led to self-harm via burning, cutting, stabbing, as well as drug abuse. I have a therapist that I've been seeing for about four years now, and at first it was extremely triggering. I'd go home from a session and get intoxicated, cut myself, do whatever was necessary to escape the fact that I had just exposed my weaknesses to someone else. Eventually, I got to where I didn't have to do that after sessions. Sadly, after not cutting for a year before therapy, once I began therapy I started cutting again.

My longest period of time between cutting has been two years. Almost exactly two years. I broke that about 19 months ago. I didn't have the courage to tell my therapist that our hard work was wearing thin. However, I managed to push it away again, and have been going on 16 months without. The urges are back. My stress levels are increasing again. I'm trying to keep my head on straight and trying to take one obstacle at a time. So far, I'm just feeling insecure and worried that I won't get everything taken care of as quickly as I want to. BLEH

The past few days I've been sad, and that doesn't help. Usually my mood stays consistently in between happy and sad. Numb, if you will. Empty. Void. Flat. Lacking. All of those words express it equally well. I can't tell if it's the time of year or just my job that's getting to me at this point. Either way, the bad mood is unwelcome.