Thanks, Sally and everyone! I keep trying to remember that it isn't something shameful and disgusting about me. It's something disgusting that happened to me. It still doesn't FEEL like that.

The quote above really does apply to my T. He tells me that he doesn't mind repeating himself as many times as I need. He has pointed out that the repetition of the BAD stuff was pretty endless (and also said that to point out my parents never gave me unconditional love was the grossest understatement he had made in a long time).

The part about NOT saying things probably also applies. I REALLY wanted him to just say, "I still love you." Not that he has point blank said he loves me before even. He once said he has "feelings of love" for me. I wanted him to just say it. I cannot ASK him to say it. He told me likes me even more for having shared something so private and difficult. I just don't know what I want or what will help me feel better.

Maybe I should just stop talking about this until things settle down in my life. My dad just died three months ago. My mom gave my sisters antique, expensive vehicles, but made me buy my dad's little dodge truck when I wanted it. My younger sister and her husband stole a bunch of my stuff that dad was keeping for me. Now my father in law, who I'm really, really close to went onto hospice and is only expected to live a few more weeks. Work is going badly. I cannot stand my husband. I'm thinking I have waaaay too much going on in my life to deal with childhood stuff right now.

BUT, here's the weird part, I gave myself a mental deadline of May that I would stay with my husband. If he hasn't made some significant changes by then, I'm going to file for divorce. Once we're apart, there's no way I can afford to go to therapy. So, I NEED to be done with therapy by May. In order to that, I HAVE TO deal with this stuff now. UGH. I'm just too weird. Maybe this is just how I am and I need to deal with it.