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The part about NOT saying things probably also applies. I REALLY wanted him to just say, "I still love you." Not that he has point blank said he loves me before even. He once said he has "feelings of love" for me. I wanted him to just say it. I cannot ASK him to say it. He told me likes me even more for having shared something so private and difficult. I just don't know what I want or what will help me feel better.
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Yeah
. Short of actually going into his mind and knowing his thoughts and feelings, it's hard to what would help. You might not be able to ask him to tell you he still loves you, but can you convince yourself that before you said all of this stuff, he did love you (it's pretty clear to me that that's the case)? And if so, can you instead ask him, "Have your feelings about me changed since I told you these things?" It's not the same but it's something to hold onto.
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Maybe I should just stop talking about this until things settle down in my life. My dad just died three months ago. My mom gave my sisters antique, expensive vehicles, but made me buy my dad's little dodge truck when I wanted it. My younger sister and her husband stole a bunch of my stuff that dad was keeping for me. Now my father in law, who I'm really, really close to went onto hospice and is only expected to live a few more weeks. Work is going badly. I cannot stand my husband. I'm thinking I have waaaay too much going on in my life to deal with childhood stuff right now.
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That is all horrible and unfair and way too much. I'm not sure what to say other than
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Thing is, though, a lot of that stuff really is related to the childhood stuff... can you be talking about both at the same time? I mean, to an extent you always are. If the childhood stuff feels too overwhelming you can set it aside, for sure... but when you talk about your family dynamic now, you're also kind of talking about your childhood. And vice versa. I'm sorry it's all a clusterf*** right now.
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BUT, here's the weird part, I gave myself a mental deadline of May that I would stay with my husband. If he hasn't made some significant changes by then, I'm going to file for divorce. Once we're apart, there's no way I can afford to go to therapy. So, I NEED to be done with therapy by May. In order to that, I HAVE TO deal with this stuff now.
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I'm also really sorry you have this on your plate, too
. I do feel a little bit of "go girl!" at the same time, though -- you deserve to be treated with respect! And valued.
Can you tell your T about this, though? He may be able to work something out with you. A couple of years ago, I was at a similar point with my husband... I ended up giving him an ultimatum. Before I did, though, I talked it over with my T. At one point I expressed doubts about it, because without my husband's insurance, I would have to see my T much much less frequently. My T told me, "If that happens, we will think of something. Don't worry about that now." It's not exactly the same, but maybe worrying about being "done" with therapy by May can be at least one thing to take off of your overflowing plate.
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UGH. I'm just too weird. Maybe this is just how I am and I need to deal with it.
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Nope.
