Thanks so much for your responses, I appreciate it

I do understand the advice to try to reawaken the spark, but my marriage was never sparky. My hubby felt safe to me from the getgo, and I felt I was making a significant break from unhealthy habits in "letting" him love me. It was new and heady to feel loved, safe for a change.

To that point, the men I had felt strongly attracted to sexually had also been jerks. I don't think that there's some grand unified theory of attraction that states that only jerks will ever affect me sexually, or that I'm solely attracted to toxic guys. It was just a coincidence, I think, that the men I'd felt strongly about and were very impelled toward, were just wrong for me.

So, in a desperate attempt to quickly change course and improve things for myself, I must have decided (though I think it was all unconscious) that it would be bad for me to pursue a relationship with someone I was very physically attracted to.

And when I realized I was doing this, I felt good. A brand new feeling, not to be kept constantly insecure, to be set up by a guy and have the rug pulled out. The warmth of a genuinely loving relationship was amazing to me.

I think at that point I thought that marriage would cure me of random infatuations. This hasn't been the case. In fact now more than ever before, I'm just utterly susceptible to men who "do" it for me in a physical way.

It's not that DH and I are incompatible in bed - we are. It's just not - oh hell, you know what I mean. And I feel horrible and guilty about this.

Also, where the hell was my conscience when we were thinking about getting married? Why did I ONLY consider myself and where I wanted to be - safe, warm, comfortable - when there was another person with me, making a huge life choice himself? This is what I don't get, why it didn't even occur to me that I might not be able to give my DH what he needs in his marriage. It just makes me sick that I was walking around so blindered then.

But I had been through some hellish experiences with men, and I think I was just damaged enough that I honestly didn't know what I was doing.

I regret everything. There are no sparks to reawaken, because it was never like that. I married for deep and true affection, genuine love, warmth, stability - all the stuff I never had.

I just never banked on the possibility that I would ever crave excitement again, and now I feel stuck, miserable, guilty, like the worst spouse in the world. I'm really sick and ready to give up. I want to change everything, just go away - new job, new life, get away from the cat and the tiny apartment, get away from the rain.

I don't want to leave my husband. We're close. He's like my son. (He's much younger than me, actually). I love him. I worry about him. He's everything to me. But something's not getting fulfilled.

Really sick of myself these days. I do appreciate your input, it always helps!