Quote:
Originally Posted by SallyBrown
However, the very fact that you are still trying by seeing a therapist means you haven't given up. Give yourself a little credit  |
Thank you SallyBrown
That's very kind of you to say. Even though I feel pretty ambivalent about it all, I'm obviously leaning more toward the side of life because I'm going to therapy, like you said, and I'm planning on talking to my pdoc about how I feel and asking (begging!) her to let me try meds again - considering how SCARY she is and how she didn't believe me when I told her I'd started hallucinating and having delusions a few years ago, I must *want* to keep trying to get better!
Quote:
Originally Posted by CantExplain
Don't wait too long! We have only one child because we "waited until we were ready". 
Nothing can prepare you for parenthood. You just have to hold your nose, jump in, and hope for the best. Just like you did with therapy.
Like you, I wanted to spare my children what happened to me. And although I am still not entirely "right in the head", I believe I have succeeded.  |
Thank you CantExplain. I know that if you wait until you are truly 'ready' for most things, it'll probably never happen. I just really, deep down, think I'd be a terrible mother. Although I've read lots of books on the subject and would want to be a nurturing attachment/continuum parent, I think I'd fall wayyyyyy short in reality. I can't even stand it when my puppy is being really clingy and wants to be next to me all the time (I'm not good with touch; it has to be on my terms) - imagine how much that would screw up a child! Mummy being annoyed when they want a cuddle/reassurance!?
I couldn't in all conscience bring a child into the world unless I was pretty sure I could cope with meeting their emotional needs, making them feel loved. If I screw up therapy, then that just affects *me*, but if I screw up parenthood, then that affects an innocent child/adult who didn't ask to be born...
I don't know, the whole having-a-child thing just makes me really sad. I'm only in my mid-20s so it's not something I have to focus on or decide right away, but I do yearn to have children already. And having been severely (psychotically) depressed for 4 1/2 years straight just makes me feel that I should never have kids because, even if I got better, what's to stop me getting depressed again?!
This is something I know I need to discuss with T because I think about it a lot, but there's just NO TIME!
I see him for an hour every 2-3 weeks and it's just not enough to cover both of our agendas. There's no way to see him more often as he's NHS, and I've already seen him 18 times now and we haven't even scratched the surface! I saw him yesterday and wanted to talk about this thread as I'd been thinking about it during the 3 weeks since our last session, but he had his own agenda based on things we discussed the session before. And then we went off on a tangent (though a useful one) and didn't end up covering what he wanted to discuss either!! And now I don't see him for 2 1/2 weeks, which will be after I see scary pdoc (and so I will have to deal with her/psych myself up to be assertive on my own)
And T kept saying I was "exceptional" (he meant academically/intellectually as we were talking about my uni courses) - it's not the first time he's said it - and it annoys me & makes me feel guilty. He's CBT - what is his evidence that this is true?! All he knows is what I tell him, and I can't for the life of me see how me talking about failing exams and being seen as weak and incompetent because of my depression by uni staff can possibly make him think I'm "exceptionally intelligent" or "gifted" or any of the other nonsense descriptors he's used?! I feel guilty that I'm somehow inadvertently giving him this false impression of me - I'm reasonably intelligent, but I'm nothing special!! And it annoys me because I feel like he *still* has no idea who I am...
I'm sorry, I'm just ranting. Nothing to see here...
*Willow*