((((RiverJ)))),

It is hard to completely advise because I don't really know what it is that your afraid to let out.

I know that in my own experience the one thing that I truely struggled with is my CSA. I just burried that for years and years. It just happened to pop out when I had a bad reaction to an implant of Lupron to stop my menstral cycle that tossed me into a severe depression. At the time, I had no idea what was going on, I was completely helpless and frightened. All I can think of is that the experience must have just stirred that up somehow. I was so confused, and didn't want to let that out because of the circumstances surrounding that. And it shocked everyone around me. And I didn't know what to say, was surprised that it even came out.

I did my best to try to work away from it and not talk about it again for a long time.
Then when I experienced a lot of loss suddenly, it came out again. And again it got misunderstood. However, I eventually, finally talked about it with my therapist. I had tried to put down in PC a few times, circled around the abuse forum but I just could not seem to put it there. I ended up putting it in the spirituality forum amongst some childhood memories of going to church and knowing that the church was the one place that everyone was singing and happy and I felt safe because at home I didnt feel that way. And in some way, I felt that I was kind of putting it in the hands of that safe spiritual place I knew as a child. It was REALLY hard to leave it there. But no one really made a big deal out of it and that really helped. It was a whisper that I finally got out, a beginning of releasing it.

I didn't want to talk about it with my current therapist. He did try to talk about my childhood but again I wasn't ready, like you I was worried about holding it together and I was worried about falling apart.

But eventually I let it out in another whisper, indirectly and it was just touched on and my therapist didn't push at it. And then after I did that I started to think about it, hung around the abuse forum and I started to realize that I really was only a child and in many ways, didn't look at it like an adult does. And I finally got to talk to my therapist more about CSA and I said that children don't really understand what it is, and he agreed and he also told me that it happens more than is really talked about. And he went on to talk about how children honestly don't know what sexuality really is and often they can feel fear etc. but they actually don't understand it like adults do and so they do hide it. But if they hide it and then don't think about it until their adults with an adult understanding of what it is, that is when the big discomfort comes out along with a sense of guilt.

It reminded me of how I remembered my childhood in elementary school and everything looked big, the halls were big and the classrooms and the desks and chairs were big.
But then when I was much older and full grown, I went back to visit that old school and everything looked so small, not big like I remembered at all. So, it made me realize how different children really do see things.

I am just using myself as an example here, how I struggle to talk about things with my therapist and how I kind of made it easier by just discussing it in general and getting his feedback on it. Then I was able to talk about my own experience better.
So I am not saying you have the same issues, however, I will say that you can talk about things that bother you in more general ways. Asking your therapist about how other people experience certain thoughts, situations etc. that bring great difficulty and shame to them. That is how I was able to do it and finally put my own experience gently into the mix.

What I can say most of all River, is that after I finally talked about it, not only was my therapist very kind but he was very knowing as well. And that is why it is really called therapy. It really isn't about fault or any of the things your fearing to be honest. If you find your way to open up slowly, you will get some relief.

(((((((Gentle Hugs)))))))

Open Eyes