Session today did not go exactly as planned but that is not necessarily a bad thing. She started the session by telling me, "I've been thinking about you and your last email since I got it." That was Friday. This is the entirety of the email:

In a nutshell, I still don't know what I believe. I feel just as agnostic as I did three years ago. Have I been pretending to have a faith I don't possess? Is that why I cannot seem to free-fall, to let go? My mind and heart are at war. Please pray for me. I won't bother you again.

She said she was perplexed and asked why I made a 180-degree turnaround from Wednesday. I told her because I'd been dealing with the faith issue for quite some time. All my life really. I said it was hard to believe that faith was as simple as making a decision because I had been taught so differently from the age of 5 to 23, when I left the church completely.

She feels that everything comes back to the fact that I feel unworthy. I got a promotion and that's a good thing, but deep down I believe I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to believe in a God who forgives my sins because I'm not worthy of it. I talked in more detail about the things that bother me about my new job (instability, change, and another issue I don't want to talk about right now that took 15 minutes of session to discuss).

I read half of my journal letter to her:
With the pressures and fears quickly mounting in the areas of work, therapy, and faith, I just want reassurance that I will be okay no matter what. I am really very afraid right now. I've been using strategies that were effective in the past, but they aren't working. I am afraid that I've been "practicing" a faith I don't truly possess. That I have never possessed. This has been in my mind for quite some time. I've been ignoring my concerns; choosing to soldier on. I know I need to address these concerns, sooner rather than later. I'm always afraid it's too late for me.

So I didn't get into the physical affection part this time. I stated that I felt I needed to work on the faith issue before I did anything else because it is my main support and I believe that I will work through some of my past issues through this. She agreed wholeheartedly. She also agreed to see me 2x/week every other week instead of kinda brushing that off like she did last time? So I see her next Wednesday AND Thursday.

Also, I told her that a friend of mine invited me to her church, which is T's church. She said to please come if I wanted to. She also invited me to take a class (that she is not in), but not to feel obligated.

Two really good things about the session:
1. It was the most laid-back session (not in content, but in rapport) that I have ever had. She actually sat crossed-legged, Indian style in her chair, so I stretched out on the loveseat. I used the pillow to playfully hide behind and even sat it on top of my head for a little while and made her laugh. It was very comfortable (considering the content), like I was with a friend I'd known forever.
2. She actually gave me a REAL hug again at the end (although she made sure the door was open) and said softly, "You will be okay." That made my day!

The absolute best thing was that I truly felt supported again for the first time since the rupture!!!

I love T!!!