Im sorry it turned out long bare with me ok. Its all a big blur now. ..its very confusing.

try not to make this whiny and a waste of ur time.

...It was..so bad..we didnt talk at all about stuff that "mattered" really.
When I got there...when I saw her, there was this humungus panic inside of me, suddenly I was so afraid of her, I felt like she was angry she would hate me.
I felt the chair was closer to the wall than last week and i felt cornered...so triggering...her sneakers were sending me in panic... but i didnt want to complain and then shed think "Oh shes so annoying and needy and freaky"

I started talking about things..and we ended up talking about stupid stuff..but then I touched on my mother....and suddenly My mind started feeling numb again...and this time,...she started talking and then I felt like I couldnt open my mouth,

It felt like my mouth was sewn together...and all my muscles were tied to the bones and I couldnt move.It literally felt like I was frozen, I felt like everything was going fast and slow at the same time, and when she started talking, she was telling me something...and I was like in this akward position and I COULD NOT MOVE, at one point she asked me
"Where did u go?" I just lied...and said "nowher.."when in truth I completely felt lost..My whole body was stiff and I felt this overwhelming fear of moving, I swear it felt like I had to use every muscle in my body just to move my lips. its like i you have a huge weight in your hand and your asked to move your arm up...it moves reaaaaaal slow...and thats the effort I needed to just nod.

Iwas finally able to tell her some things about being confused, that in the past..things would happen and later my mother would tell me nothing happened.... its a figment of my imagination and that it never happened. That im a liar and storyteller....
I told her I felt like I didnt know what was real....and I told her that Im afraid of telling her things because Im afraid someitmes I "re-experience them" in my head ...which happened to me once..

Then when I got out of the session, I felt like it was a completely different day, I felt like I didnt know what day it was or anything. That certain time of day, made it *feel* like I wasnt in January 2012...but instead in...some other day in my past.... Everything felt like that other day.....it felt like I was just *watching the world* go by....and I was back in this

day....I get this sort of "De Ja Vu" very often..usually Im depressed about it...I never really have a happy De Ja Vu. certain streets..or places, or times of the day...or just anything makes it *feel* like its another day from the past? or take you somewehre else? i went "away; in class today. its been hapening on and off 2 weeks now.

Im wondering If I should tell this to my T, or print this out (probably change stuff first) and show her what happens to me in session (do u think i should..im debating it) I worry she wont understand, or that Im being dramatic or over analytical...sigh... why must everything be so frustrating. I keep getting these thoughts saying I did all those things on purpose..cuz im a freak and i like attention or something. Consciously I know I couldnt control it..but i just feel like im inherently trying to do something selfish by going to therapy.